CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: I have cursed you with bad luck and extreme misfortune!
CAPTION: *S-chu ball* - This is a special Poke ball used for capturing electric or hedgehog-type Pokemon.
NARRATION: CWC: This would not have happened if you had not challenged me and threatened me! As well as not leaving me alone with my ever-so-frustrating love quest, calling me a lying solicitor, picked on my methods of attracting a boyfriend-free, 18-(my current age)-year old girl, whom I can love and trust, and most importantly, handcuffing me on 9/11/2004 for no good reason! I hope that you have learned to…
CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: Never mess with a truly frustrated virgin when he is on a quest for a girlfriend to share true love and trust with!
JERKHIEF: My soul hurts!
CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: So did mine!
CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER: And my heart was previously shattered too!
Let’s get the S-chu ball out of the way up front. I have no idea what it is doing here on this page or what it could possibly have to do with the story. It looks like the kind of infodump Chandler would have intended to place in the introductory section on pages 8-12; perhaps he neglected to include it and did not catch his omission until putting together this page. Although mystical “Sonichu Balls” will appear later in Sonichu (and have nothing to do with this artifact), “S-chu balls” never appear again after this page.
The full power of the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha is now revealed—the victim is literally cursed, so that he is doomed to suffer cruel twists of fate specifically because he provoked the wrath of Christian Chandler. The seemingly random misfortunes the Jerkhief experienced in the past few minutes are all direct results of the curse, although it is difficult to explain how Jerkhief’s wife managed to divorce him and move out of his house so quickly.
Although Chandler readily acknowledges that he does not have most of the super powers he possesses in Sonichu, he truly believes he has the ability to curse people, and that the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha maneuver is somehow related to harnessing this power. The distinction between the powers he claims and denies is simply his own faith. It is an empirical fact that Chandler cannot use his medallion to transform into a super-powered hedgehog, but the efficacy of his curses is a matter of belief. Much like a horoscope or a superstition, it is always possible to claim that a victim of the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha has somehow endured “bad luck.” This is the appeal of the attack for Chandler—it can literally never fail as long as he believes in it, giving him the last laugh in any conflict.
Note, however, that the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha has changed absolutely nothing about the present situation. The Jerkhief is miserable, and has no doubt learned the folly of provoking Chris, but he is no more or less capable of interfering in Chris’s love quest than he was at the beginning of the story. Tomorrow he can return to the mall and try to handcuff Chris again, and he will have nothing left to lose. This is the great irony of the Curse-ye-ha-me-ha—Chris favors it because there is no falsifiable defense, but it also provides no deterrence against a counterattack. This is made most clear during his lengthy dispute with his trolls; Chandler issues curse after curse, inflicting unknowable harm while he himself sustains demonstrable “extreme misfortune.”
Nevertheless, the Jerkhief is subdued for the moment, allowing Chris the luxury of listing the wrongs perpetrated against him. As previously discussed, there is no clear indication of when each of these offenses occurred, or whether the real-life analogue to the Jerkhief was even involved in any of them. The only specific detail is the handcuffing incident on September 11, 2004, which Chandler seems to regard as the most outrageous action taken against him.
The term “boyfriend-free, 18-(my current age)-year old girl, whom I can love and trust” is a virtual mantra for Chandler, particularly in the period when this story was written. He uses this bizarre wording frequently when discussing the objective of his Love Quest, and variations of it appeared on the signs he carried with him at Fashion Square and PVCC. Notice that “love” is frequently paired with “trust” in regards to his relationship with his future sweetheart. Chris seems particularly eager to be able to put his trust in someone, and for someone to have trust in him. This may imply a lack of trust in his existing social circles, which would be consistent with Chris’s paranoia about the intentions of others and the lack of credit given to him by his peers.
“My current age” is simply a placeholder for whatever Chandler’s current age is a the time the term is used. This ensures, for example, that anyone reading Sonichu #0 today will know that Chandler is currently seeking an 18-to-29-year-old, as opposed to the 18-to-23-year-old he was seeking when he originally wrote this dialogue. Note that it is an article of faith for Chandler that his beloved may be as old but no older than he; however he never adjusts the 18 figure accordingly. As a result, Chris is perfectly willing to entertain the possibility of bedding a woman who was ten years old when his Love Quest first began.
Chris’s admission that his soul was hurt and his heart was shattered is left unexplained here. This is possibly an allusion to the real-life events of March 29, 2005, which were adapted in “The Rise & Fall of My Heart,” appearing in Sonichu #1. However, it is unclear if the dialogue on this page was written before or after that incident. Chandler has also described the October 2004 incident in which Mary Lee Walsh destroyed his sign as having shattered his heart. Frankly, there are so many events between 2003 and 2005 that supposedly hurt his soul and shattered his heart that it would be impossible to be sure which one he is referring to here.